I guess this concludes my tour of duty for Handheld Age. Goodbye, all. Thanks so much for reading. If you ever feel like you need a steady descent into hell, please catch me at 61 Frames Per Second.

Eat your vegetables and play with your Mario.

Share This

No, you haven’t gone blind or senile, but I will forgive you if you think I have. Regardless, I can’t deny that I owned Lock n Chase for the Game Boy, and what’s more I was really damn good at it.

I preferred it to Pac-Man by far. The main character, whose name is Lupin (shhh), is an adorable orange dot with a hat instead of a pizza that the delivery man took a slice out of back in the car. There’s more than just one board to navigate, which means clearing away “coins” and thus passing the level can take some minor brain work.

Even the graphics have their own charm. Each cop who chases Lupin has their own personality: the plain cop waddles, the little cop hops and the big mustached cop just kind of lumbers. Lupin jumps for joy whenever he clears a level or scores a money bag (and when he scores a money bag, the cops stop and weep for a few seconds–I guess their pride is hurt, so I can’t blame them).

But the game’s best attribute by far is the music. I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s some of the best you’ll find on the Game Boy. Scrounge up some old ’80s Walkman headphones (must include at least one missing felt ear piece to be authentic) and listen to the game through them. It is 100% worth it.

Share This

I think, even if I end up playing this game twenty times (and I just might), I will never discover all the tiny details and love put into the sprite animations. Heck, it was only by reading the comments for this YouTube video that I discovered the door Wess dances in front of “laughs,” which allows them passage.

I think “Cattlesnake” is my new favourite word.

I’m on Chapter 4 right now, but I don’t want to pour my heart out over the game until I’m done. So my bouncing and screaming might not show up here, but trust me, it’ll be around.

By the way:

Share This

(Thanks, uh…do those energy tanks spell “Jew?”)

Canada is prone to massive snowstorms, which I’m sure shocks you. We had a wretched snowstorm in my first semester that kept all the sane students home, but everyone in my programme feared Professor Twat so much that we all waded through the snow to come to his class.

Of course, Professor Twat didn’t show up. But we were too scared to leave in case he did.

So I played some Mega Man 4 on my Game Boy and one classmate said, “Oh, let ME play!” and he promptly ran to the front of the lecture hall with my system. About five minutes later, I heard someone scream, “YES! Toad Man is NO MORE!”

Viva la Robot Rebellion.

Share This

:(

So, while I slowly breathe in the carbon monoxide, I thought I’d talk a little bit about good times with video games. Today, specifically, I’ll talk about my time with Super Mario Land for the original Game Boy.

The first Game Boy, she was a brick. I am confident I could build an effective bomb shelter out of Game Boys. My mom bought my brothers and I our Game Boy for Christmas, though I think she got it more for herself and Tetris.

I was not a fan of Tetris, and I still am not, so we’ll move on to Super Mario Land.

When I was a tadpole, Super Mario Land seemed so enormous. Granted, we did not own a Nintendo, so I didn’t realise how piddly the game actually was with its four worlds. Back then, it seemed to sprawl out for miles and miles.

As we see from this speed run, however, the game is quite short.

It’s also…well, as much as I loved Super Mario Land, I have to admit that it feels a little, um, counterfeit. Like, there are turtle enemies…but they aren’t koopas. There are man-eating plants…but they aren’t piranha plants. There are pipes, but they’re shaped more like flower pots.

Super Mario Land also has a much more Japanese feel to it than the original Super Mario Bros. The latter lacks head-throwing death robots, Chinese ghosts and Japanese enemy names. I remember my mother looking at Super Mario Land’s instruction book and exclaiming, “How the hell am I supposed to remember these names?”

Ah, well, we managed. Sort of. I remember “Tatanga” and that’s it. He was kind of adorable, though.

Share This

This is the DragonQuest IX trailer. It is a thing of beauty.

Seriously, I am so looking forward to this. I’m amazed at how good it looks; maybe not as rich as the current Champion of RPGs, DragonQuest VIII, but nothing to sneeze at.

I’m very happy to see the return of old spell-casting sound effects. If I’m not mistaken, that was sadly absent from DragonQuest VIII.

Ah, when the theme started up, my old heart just soared.

Share This

I think my flu is coming back for a second round.

How is this possible.

Is this not illegal?

Here’s a new trailer for Chrono Trigger DS. The thing that sets this particular trailer apart for me is that it finally gives the game a rating: E10+. Uh, maybe this rating came into existence ages ago. I know not, for I am a sad human being.

So here we are: E10+ for Animated Blood (not remembering anything of the sort), Mild Fantasy Violence, Suggestive Themes and Alcohol Reference. Oh, Toma. That’s the end of your soda pop, I guess.

I’m kind of curious about the Suggestive Themes bit. That’s always been an infuriatingly vague classification. I wonder if it means Ayla’s breast feeding remark was restored. God knows my life’s been a hollow charade without it.

Share This

Tomato will be releasing the Mother 3 fan translation patch at the end of this week.

This is not a test.

But I’m going to play that annoying, high-pitched sound to distract you so I can download the patch before you do.

Bweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen….

Share This

You are dismissed, class. After you watch, of course.

Man, do you see that death-defying glare Edgeworth gives the Mystery Gunman at 0:40? He’s all like, “Remove that weapon from between my shoulderblades or I will be forced to point at you.”

Share This